Gems from tonight’s dinner table

Starring: The Face

With no introduction to any particular topic:

‘yeah, so Mexicans don’t have chocolate at Easter.’

-‘oh really? what do they do or have?’

‘they crucify themselves………… with ropes. They don’t use nails any more.’

Closely followed by:

‘they (the mexicans, I can only assume), have a river where fish swim up your penis.’

What a show stopper that was!

And good night from me again.

Howdy blog and new follower from Texas!

November, like February, is one of those rubbish months. Rubbish in terms of weather; rubbish in terms of it’s not yet Christmas (but the threats   bribes encouragements to the kids begin in earnest) and rubbish as it begins with a remember the dead day which is then followed by a remember the war dead day (both important and right but I think it would be nicer to have these days marked during spring).  I think the word I am looking for and which sums up this month is sombre……merde, or is that somber….the dementia: 1 memory: 0.

November, here, down in Nowhere, means beaucoup of rain. So much rain that it makes the grassed areas particularly muddy. So much rain that the mud becomes widespread and slippery. So much rain that when you are trying to park your two tonne….ton…(here we go again….dementia:2  memory: 0) car, the wheels and the mud experience a moment of polarity which almost results in the car ending up half way down the 10 foot bank.

Almost.

(And when it almost happened…..when I applied the breaks and was not met with the car stopping, my first thought was ‘shit. the husband is going to go mad.’ Not, ‘am I about to kill myself and the child sleeping in the back’ (who has probably choked anyway as he fell asleep with a mouth full of baguette and peanut butter). I did also have a fleeting fantasy of a farmer arriving on a tractor to pull the car out and me driving the tractor…..yep, that’s my fantasy…..to DRIVE a tractor and not to enjoy a moment with the farmer in a hay stack)

The Prodigal

Well, I have to say, for one who is gifted in telling fiction, he has been slipping somewhat recently and actually admitting things (after only denying them 3 times before the admittance). This is progress.

I have found, in addition to the empty wine bottles (of last friday), an empty bottle of whiskey, 3 beer bottles, a beer can and a water bottle which smelt of vodka. This is NOT progress.

Operation Rayleigh – I’m going to send him on this next year. I need him to be in the most remote place of the planet. IF only they offered a Space Escapade – he’d go.

No escape. no lies. no booze. If it’s not the making of him, at least we’ll have a break from each other for 10 weeks (yep, I checked. There are other boot camps but this one offers the longest stint at this point in my research).

Love’s young dream

I’ve received messages from the Prodigal’s girlfriend in the past. I received one today.

Is it me, or is it odd for a 17 year old girl to seek relationship advice from the mother of her boyfriend?  KEEP ME OUT OF YOUR NONSENSE, THE PAIR OF YOU!

Religion anyone?

Now, I was brought up Catholic. I consider myself a Catholic – a BAD catholic (along with millions of others) but one nonetheless.  To say that over the last 20 odd years, I’ve slipped somewhat in my devotion, would be true. To say that I have lost my faith? Well, entre nous, I actually haven’t. What I have done, however, is question (myself first but also the idea of the Church as an intermediary between me and my God (whatever/whoever that is) what my faith is etc etc.

So, after spending the last few years in the Faltering Faith Wilderness, I’ve noticed that the preferred reading material (or page turning material) of the Prof and Fatty is the New Testament Bible. Now, this is a little odd in itself. What is odder is that (without my knowledge) we have two NT Bible knocking around the place and one or the other child has selected one or the other to have a flick through.  The Prof, in addition, has been asking to say prayers. NONE of this has come from me and certainly not from the Husband. They don’t spend enough time with my parents for that to have had any effect – so where is this coming from?  Should I take it as a sign to bring the kids up as I was?  The Prodigal and the Face spent most of their childhood in Catholic schools – surely, from how they are turning out, I should take that as a sure sign NOT to do that with the last three? The Face, when questioned last year, told me that the name of Jesus’ earthly father was Bernard!

Right, I’m going on (and on and on and on) with half of the dinner on the table and half still in the oven, so I’m saying a bientot without editing (yet again – yes, I promised myself not to do this and yet, here we are). Someone edit for me?

 

 

Bonsoir Bloggy and my 9 followers……

Hang on – need to turn down LBC radio as I don’t really need to hear the traffic update for London (including two people knocked down by the 252 bus in Romford today……outside the Liberty Shopping Centre. I hope they weren’t jumping over the barriers to cross the road. Mind you, who could blame them. That underpass is not only grotty but a bit like a Muggers Parade) living in the Department of Nowhere in France.

Concentrate.

So, today or rather, the last couple of days:

Good things –

tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock……erm, I’m thinking…..surely there were some good things……… i’ll be back about this.

oh yeah, I saw two camels, a lama, a cow (thing) with horns and some other animal tethered to the grass verge in front of Carrefour supermarket this afternoon.

I also managed to not wet myself on the front doorstep after being away from a toilet for over an hour and having to carry the Fatty, a baguette, my bag, his coat and my dignity, to the front door AND unlock it AND avoid the dog with a shoe and soft toy and dirty sock in her mouth. You see – it’s a great day after all.

oh and the oven which is in my kitchen – a novel idea – has been switched on (AND i remembered to remove the hard liquor, hidden from the Prodigal, in the steaming oven BEFORE) until March. Well, whooooop de weeeeeeee.

Other things –

Oh yes, the Prodigal.

So I cleaned his room (shared with the Face. I HAD to clean it as I have a family staying in there Saturday night and I would hate for them to think that I have reared two disgusting pigs…….even if it is true). Shall I tell you what I found?

I found about 8 socks (not matching, in fact, matching in their filth and stench), shoved into any crevice in that room that would support them; I found a plate which had once held some lasagne (and a bit remained) in a desk drawer (obvious place to keep it); a banana skin which looked like the skin of the Ancient Man found in the Bog; several serrated coke cans; half pack of biscuits; 10 million sweet wrappers; my best (unchipped) cups; some scrunched up toilet paper (I didn’t pause to study that piece for too long); dirty underpants but in drawers of clean clothes; two bottles of wine (empty); an ancient (was it the Bog Man’s?) ham sandwich in a bag etc etc.

What I didn’t find was a nice smell.

I told myself that I should be glad that I didn’t find more empty bottles (one of them was a bottle of chardonnay, so I didnt’ mourn its passing but the other one was  half decent).

French and understanding

So my (ongoing and failing) battle with the French language continues. Today, however, I had one of those moments of clarity. I understood everything that was being said on a radio call in /chat show.

This radio show is on mon-fri between 2-4 p.m. (so my husband now admits to tell me). It covers relationships (but what they actually talk about is RUDIES! What a show. I reckon I’ve increased my vocabulary too. Now, if they used this show as the Listening and Understanding curriculum for 6th form French, EVERYONE would be fluent.

French and misunderstanding

the Face: ‘Can you pick me up at 3p.m. today?’

Moi :’ probably not but you never, ever know, Face.’  We play this verbal dance Mon- Fri and 99.9 pct of the time, I don’t pick him up…..as I’m evil. It means he has to wait until 5 to take the school bus.

Today, however, emboldened by my new understanding (of French sexual language), I arrive at his school, gain entry, walk up to the Vie Scolaire desk and just as I say:

‘Bonjour, Madame!’

Am met with a woman (of a certain age, to be true) screwing up her face, DETERMINED to NOT UNDERSTAND ME.

‘I’m here to collect the Face of Blah blah blah class.’

More screwing up of face.

Conferring with her colleague (who clearly REFUSED to be pulled into this episode of some person who was not making ANY sense at all). The colleague spoke to ScrewFaceOldBag avoiding any encounter avec moi (you see, I CAN do french) to tell her that the Face was in a study period class and finished at 4 p.m.

The ScrewFAceOldBag then re-told me this information (the room really isn’t that big and we are the only three people in it).

‘So, he has to stay in school? He cannot come out?’

‘NON. Il va finir a 16.00 heure.’

‘Ok. Il peut prendre le bus.’

What they told the Face, when they saw him, was that his mother came to school at 15.20 heures to leave a message with the Vie Scolaire, to tell the Face to take the bus? Well, of course I did. Of course, I would go into school JUST to leave a message to tell my child to take the bus he takes every day!!!!!!

And this is the problem with people learning another language. It’s not the fact that you are getting that language wrong or not making yourself clear – far from it (or very close to it, in my case), it is the fact that people, when they don’t recognise an accent  easily (i.e. that you don’t sound like you were born within 5 miles…or km in this case, from where they were born), they absolutely refuse to allow themselves to understand you – I’ll go as far as saying, they don’t WANT to understand you. It takes a bit of effort.

I now look back on my early teens, in the house of KK, meeting her Greek father.  He would speak to me in perfect English but because I wasn’t used to his accent, I actually thought that he was speaking Greek. I remember him asking me something, turning to KK and saying (in front of him), ‘what did your dad just say?’  – well, that showed me!!! Sorry, Father of KK.  To be fair, when I met my husband, I understood 60 pct of what he said even though my favourite character was Inspector Clouseau………..

Meanwhile

Gems (yes, that is gems and not germs…..yes, I know, you could get those too) from the dinner table – this week – starring (yet again) The Face

‘Yeah, I did an experiment today and got a good mark.’

‘well done, Face (with NO sense of irony……none……it’s not like he hasn’t already done this year and is repeating it…).’

‘yeah. So I stuck a straw in its hole and blew in it.’

And that’s it.  He didn’t mention what it was that he stuck a straw into. He didn’t even care to mention which hole. He just wanted us to know the basics. This happens all of the time. I’m presuming it was a science lesson and not……..PE or something. Better not to ask.

A few weeks ago (and I mentioned this on another blog entry) where the Face, presented me with a list of names.

‘yeah. you need to choose one for the parent rep.’

‘ah, so which one shall I choose as I don’t know any of these people.’

‘yeah. I don;t know them either.’

‘but Face, you might recognise the surnames of kids in your year? any names on this list belong to any kid you know?’

‘erm…………..no.’

‘are you sure?’

‘what about Fernandez,Virgenie?’

I choked on my burned dinner because what he actually said was ‘Fernandez, Vagina’!!  And on we continue with this, probably, comic genius…or not.

And one from Fatty, in the car:

‘That song makes me sick!”

yep, he is two and a half. It worries me too. It makes a change from him telling ANY adult who coos at him to ‘GO AWAY YOU!’

Right – I’m off. I’ve got a right mob appearing here tomorrow for what? well to spend time in my company. why else would they come….. And I need some beauty sleep…..or rather, beautiful sleep.

Bonne nuit everyone.

Blog,

Listen, when I tell you that I’ve missed our exchanges…….or rather non-exchanges as it’s one way (thank goodness computers can’t answer you back……YET!).

Radio 4.

The Archers. Omnibus.

They used my favourite poem for Jolene and Kenton’s marriage ceremony!!!!!!!!! I found this quite shocking. I don’t think it has the same resonance? sense? feeling? spirit? as it once had (W. B. Yeats – He wishes for the cloths of heaven – put that in for you Bogster, as I know that you …..well, like to know). I’ve loved that poem since I was 17 years old.

Doggy business

So,

I’m incredibly sorry to tell you, Blog, that that incredible farting dog is now farting in another realm…..releasing spiritual gas to celestial beings.

Entre nous, when I heard the news, I did cry.

I then took our very alive woofy for a walk and had ……another cry.

I then found photos of Farting Dog and enlarged the part of the photo that had just her in it.

Connected to this or not, I also became Doggy Broker and have placed a potential Farting Dog of the future from a home where ‘the puppy goes or I go’ (guess which sex of the partnership stated this?) to the home of my cousin. I’ve enjoyed great times with my cousin and family…….but…..what if …… ah well….. perhaps they’ll ask for their commission to be refunded.

Ageing

Whilst I’ve been having my little…….rest….from blogging, I also accidentally became AGED. Jesus. I’m now OVER FORTY. I DON’T FIND IT….hang on, better with the caps off… a wonderful experience getting older. I’m now a bit like a vampire……the mirrors and daylight avoidance thing? Well, it’s simple – JUST AVOID MIRRORS IN DAYLIGHT. In fact, just avoid daylight. But do……BUT DO LOCATE ALL PUBLIC TOILETS in any area you are likely to go. And start comparing adult nappy prices/styles  (yes, brother number ….hang on…1,2,3,4,5..yes, brother no. 5, I know that you once said the worst combination of words in the English language is Adult and Nappy but these Pampers clad Elephants in the room, need to be addressed).

Bad behaviour

So, get this:

Me and the husband find some charming lunatics who agree to come to our house and stay there (with the children) whilst we go out.

Our very first night out together in Nowhere is at F’aussie’s house for her birthday.

We get there and as she had lots of ‘gay people’ visiting, the house looks Party-tastic-fab-u-LOUS!

We’ve even agreed beforehand (along the lines of Me suggesting: ‘YOU’RE DRIVING!!!! As you’re always getting drunk and I never am’ ) that I can have a few drinks and let my hair down.

We’ve confirmed to the couple who (we’ve tied down to the chair) are babysitting, that we’ll be a couple of hours…….

…………

Camera 1: Me singing at the top of my voice when I stop to ask myself ‘what is that strange light i can see coming over the hill?’ And

‘where is everyone?’

I stagger around, have some memory of my husband shouting some abuse at he as he left (v v late) and I DUG IN MY HEELS IM NOT GOING HOME AS IM HAVING TOO MUCH FUN… when I see one of F’Aussie’s kids who is COMING DOWNSTAIRS TO BREAKFAST.

Yes, not my finest moment. I did however manage to pour milk onto her cereal without falling headfirst into the bowl.

the strange light I could see coming from over the hill?

It was the dawn.

Here’s a tip – NEVER EVER GO TO A PARTY AND TAKE OFF YOUR WATCH.

I had to sit on a sofa and wait until I was better (yes, I wasn’t hungover but not well……) to drive home. And how pleased to see me, they all were when I did crawl in through the front door……at 11. 30 A.M. especially when I went to bed (I was sick, remember), got up at 2 p.m. to have some lunch, get sent back to bed ‘you look like you are 100 years old’ and stayed in bed until 7 a.m. on Monday. Oh, my husband just ruffled my hair and said ‘oh, you are a one, aren’t you?’ but he must have said it in French….it;s what he meant to say  but somehow  it sounded like he said ‘putain. merde. la vache.’

Blog, so much rubbish to tell you and so little time (management).

Au revoir, my good friend.

Until……. well, actually, demain soir we have been invited for dinner to a French household in the village.

It’s ok though, as it’s the ones I mentioned in blog 4?….you don’t recall? The ones who came to pick up their kids and we drank 4 or 5 bottles of wine? yes, it’s them. With wine, I am fluent in french.

The family

Well in case you are wondering, they are all still up to their usual nonsense (some more than others). We did have a new soon to be made classic the FAce moment, involving some names on the classroom parent representative list. His pronounciation of Virgenie was inspired!

ok, i’m off.

until next time, Bloggy.